Something Hopeful


Well shucks, why not just rip off the vulnerability band-aid all at once? The blonde beauty gliding in the light blue coat is my 9-year-old daughter. This year has been incredibly trying for my family in ways that we may not even be able to understand for some time.  This girl, though. She was always made of sunshine, with only occasional storms. But this year those storms became more frequent, violent, and lasting. But most concerning was the increasingly inward direction of those storms. “I’m scared.” Became her most frequently said phrase. The fear she couldn’t explain was constant. Fear that wouldn’t even let her rest, but woke her from sleep with horrifying dreams. The anxiety/panic attacks were unrelenting. While I was glad that we were her safe space to fall apart, and she would hold it together at school only to come home a complete mess the rest of the day - it was heartbreaking that my husband didn’t see his little girl for weeks. Where did she go? Would she come back? There is a very specific but also unspeakable terror and helplessness to hear your child say they wish they could "just not exist anymore." I can't type that without hearing it in her ragged, tortured voice, a sound no child should make -- and I can't hear that and keep breathing.

…

We have no pretense or use for the appearance of perfection, and had already sought professional help for her before that point, but weren't seeing any improvement yet. But the sun is coming out. She is coming back to us. This picture, taken today, captures some of that return. She was scared to go to ice skating lessons, even though she loves it. She and her friend are no longer in the same class and she’d be on her own. A few weeks ago getting there would have been an hours long process, but she talked through it, largely on her own, in minutes. She is taking risks - “Look Mom, one foot!” She is flying. The sun is coming out. If that isn’t hope, I don’t know what is.


 

Comments

ali bustos said…
I don't even know your daughter but this makes me love her so much and it just fills my heart with love for y'all!!! This cannot be an easy thing to work through - as a parent or a child - but I love that even in the darkest places hope is able to squeeze itself in through the cracks! I hope things continue to improve and you see more and more light each day! I will keep your family in my prayers!
January 5, 2022 at 9:43 AM
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